Hey! I write about things that persist through time. These are my weekly musings on life and creativity.
This will be a multi-part series of all the negotiating techniques that I have learned and tried to apply in my life.
Thank you so much for reading.
🤝
Why negotiation?
Your counterpart was your enemy, and the negotiation was a battle.
As an avid football fan who’s fascinated by all the big money signings, it has always made me wonder about what goes on in those conference rooms where the representatives from both parties are negotiating a $150 million transfer for a player.
During December 2019, I stumbled upon Chris Voss who is the founder and CEO of the Black Swan Group, a consulting firm that provides training and advises Fortune 500 companies through complex negotiations.
I read the international best-seller Never Split the Difference that is co-authored by Chris Voss and took his Masterclass. To say that they’re game-changing would be an understatement.
About Chris and his incredible Masterclass
Chris Voss is a leading authority on the art, science, and practice of negotiation. He was lead crisis negotiator for the New York FBI division before becoming the FBI lead international negotiator. He currently teaches Business Negotiation at the world’s most reputed business institutions like Harvard, Georgetown, and more, along with his position at the Black Swan Group.
“Conflict brings out truth, creativity, and resolution.” ― Chris Voss
You can get the masterclass for $90 by clicking here. (an all-access pass will cost you $180 for the entire year)
As the world’s best hostage negotiator, Chris Voss has persuaded terrorists, bank robbers, and kidnappers to bend to his will. In his masterclass, he teaches field-tested techniques to help you in everyday negotiations, whether you’re aiming to improve your salary, the service you receive, or your relationships. You get stronger communication skills, game-changing insights into human nature, and more of what you want out of life.
Sidenote: The mock negotiation lessons in the Masterclass are simply incredible to watch. Here’s an example:
Life is a negotiation ⏳
The majority of our interactions at work or at home boil down to a simple: I want
Everything is resting on your ability to negotiate. Be it a career, finances, reputation or even trying to get a late checkout at the hotel you’re staying at.
Negotiation is basically communication with results.
Conflict is inevitable in all relationships. Here, I will show you how to get results without inflicting damage.
This is not cheating. You are playing the game our society is set up for.
So get ready! Let’s discuss the first three basic yet efficient and game-changing techniques.
#1 Mirroring 🪞
Repeat the last 3 words someone just said. We copy each other to comfort each other. We all are drawn to what’s similar. Mirroring is an art of insinuating similarity.
“You and I — we are alike”. You will see it literally everywhere. The dynamic is visible while you’re walking with your friend in perfectly synchronised footsteps or nodding your heads while having a conversation.
By doing this, you trigger something called a “mirroring instinct” that will make your counterpart inevitably elaborate on what was just said by him/her.
Speaking from personal experiences, it gives you the ability to disagree without sounding as such. It’s a bit hard and will take practise but once you master it, it’s like a conversational Swiss Army knife which works smoothly for all the situations.
Here’s an example:
“David, this is a really good deal. What are your thoughts on it?”
“Ryan, I don’t think we have the budget for it”
To which David responds, “Don't have the budget?” [mirror]
And when David says, "Don't have the budget", that's going to prompt Ryan to share exactly what’s in his mind.
I once attended a party where a guy was just roaming around Mirroring people left and right. Everyone seemed to like him a lot.
#2 Label It 🏷️
Labelling is validating someone’s emotion by acknowledging it. It’s the ability to recognize the perspective of a counterpart and the vocalization of that recognition.
It can be done by observing the negative emotion from the other side and then labelling it. For example, you can say “It looks like you're upset”. This will trigger the contemplation in other person's mind and deactivate that negative energy. (Am I upset?)
You can also label a positive emotion. While talking to the customer care, say “I appreciate you being generous with your time.” and then ask for a quick solution. You will be surprised to see the results. Positive labels will reinforce the dynamic from the other side and you will create something I call trust-based influence.
Best way to begin labels:
It seems like…
It sounds like…
It looks like….
If you’re a good negotiator, try to identify emotions and influence them. Use emotion as a tool.
Pause ⏸️
You need a lot of practice to master this tool. Letting a label do its work is equally important. Let it sink in. When you start, you’ll be often hit by a “Don’t you dare tell me how I feel”.
Remember that you’re trying to understand your counterpart and not agreeing with their perspective, that’s sympathy.
Here’s an example from his Masterclass:
A three-minute video shows him sitting across from a woman. Voss asks just two brief questions to kick off the conversation. The rest is mirroring and labelling.
Voss: "Tell me what you're passionate about."
Woman: "Well, I love escape room games."
Voss: "What is it about escape room games that makes you passionate?"
Woman: "They're fun to do with your friends, and they're immersive, and it challenges your mind."
Voss: "It challenges your mind?" [mirroring]
Woman: "Yeah, you only have 60 minutes to get out. There are a series of puzzles you have to solve to get out."
Voss: "It sounds like you love mental challenges." [labelling]
Woman: "I do. It's an immersive experience, like being part of a play...You also try to make it the best experience for others, so they enjoy it too."
Voss: "It also sounds like you really like to help people." [labelling]
Woman: "I guess I do. I never really thought about it like that."
Voss: "You sound like a really loyal person, too." [labelling]
Woman: "Ah, that's nice to say. My friends do say that about me!"
In three minutes, the woman never asked Voss a question about himself. Yet--and here's the amazing part--when she was asked how she felt about the exchange, she said, "It made me feel like he [Voss] was listening to me."
Voss had just demonstrated how to build an instant rapport with another person by simply using mirroring and labelling to encourage the other person to talk about herself.
#3 Value of saying “No” ⛔
A negotiating genius once said:
Every ‘No’ gets me closer to a ‘Yes’. But then I remind them that extracting those ‘‘No’s’’ on the road to “Yes” isn’t always easy. — Mark Cuban
“Yes” is often meaningless and hides the objections beneath the answer. Being pushed for a “Yes” makes people defensive. “No” is devoid of any commitments. Saying no maintains the status quo and provides a temporary oasis of control.
Getting a straight last “yes” out of anyone is not a good idea. People feel that they’re trapped when they say “yes”.
Use questions that prompt a “no” answer. Rather than asking if this a good idea, ask if this is a bad idea? It creates safety, security and a feeling of controlled collaboration. Great negotiations usually begin at a simple no.
After a year of practising, here I provide you with some of the no-oriented questions to take your negotiations forward:
Would you- object- reject- pass up- throw away- rather not- be opposed to
Would it be- crazy- awkward- too much- out of the question- stupid- ineffective- inefficient
Do you want me to- fail- quit- buy elsewhere- go away- come back later
Have I- distracted- annoyed- caught you (at a bad time)- offended- misunderstood- been unfair
Have you- given up
If someone doesn’t respond to my emails, I simply hit them with a “Have you given up on this project?” It works like magic.
Part 2️
In the next edition of the negotiation series, we will have a look at:
The Accusations Audit
Calibrated Questions
Bargaining
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Endnote: Photo of the week
Here’s a photo of my good friend Vinit Patil. We went to college together for 4 years to study Petroleum Engineering. He has been working for Cairn Oil & Gas as a field engineer for the last 18 months.
He is currently enjoying his off days by decluttering away from work at his hometown while learning and enjoying the simpler things in life such as farming. Here’s what he had to say:
I appreciate this change which helps me spend some time with my family. From the rigorous hours spent in the field of chaos to a more gentle life working in a calm environment blessed by mother nature; it totally changes the mood & attitude of an individual towards life. — Vinit
Until next time,
Darshil
👋 The End
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